"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind." - William Shakespeare
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Difference
"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?" - Mahatma Gandhi
Friday, October 28, 2011
University
"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small." - Henry Kissinger
Saturday, October 22, 2011
All are lunatics
"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce
Monday, October 17, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
The movement
"The moment the slave resolves that he will no longer be a slave, his fetters fall. He frees himself and shows the way to others. Freedom and slavery are mental states." - Mahatma Gandhi
Nice message
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou
Good people
"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." - Plato
Famous message
"There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm not there yet." - Randy Pausch
Good message
"I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon." - Bill Hirst
Less experience
"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man." - Professor Scott Elledge
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
We make a living
"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." - Winston Churchill
The nice thing
"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault." - Henry Kissinger
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Famous message
"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing." - William Shakespeare
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The more you go away from me
The more you go away from me, the closer I come towards you.
I may not speak a word but my heart will always tell that you are my dearest one forever.
You came into my life
You came into my life...
And made it a wonderful world to live in.
You made me feel so special with all that you do and all that you say...
I love You...
Love is like sunshine
Love is like sunshine. It brings a golden glow to its beholder's face. And a warm feeling all over their body. It awakens souls and opens eyes. And when its over, it leaves billions of small memories called stars. To remind the world, that it still exists. I love you.
Away from me
The more you go away from me, the closer I come towards you.
I may not speak a word but my heart will always tell that you are my dearest one forever.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
More thing
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." - William Shakespeare
Happy life
"Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching. and live like it's heaven on earth." - Mark Twain
Human history
"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." - H. G. Wells
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Love if not finding someone
Love if not finding someone perfect, it's finding an important person, and loving perfectly.
Last night
Last night I sent an angel 2 watch over u while u were sleeping
but it came back early! So I asked it why? It said that angels don't
watch over other angels!
And if it all falls apart
And if it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart, the only dream that mattered had come true. In this life, I was loved by you.
Love never
Love never wants to lose faith, never wants to give up, and never truly moves on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what’s left of your heart that they feel the same.
Having you in my life
Having you in my life is a beautiful feeling... You make me feel so special with all that you say and all that you do... And today, All I want to say is...You are the one I love and no matter what I will always forever keep loving you.
Good morning
A smile to start a day,
A prayer to bless your way,
A song to lighten a moment,
A cheer to say have a wonderful day!
''Good Morning.''
Office an hour late
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones? " he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change. "Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes. "
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes. "
Interviewing
Job Interview Quotations Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual " questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company? " "What is the company motto? " "Why aren't you in a more interesting business? " "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members? " "Why do you want references? " "Do I have to dress for the next interview? " "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me? " "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland? " "Will the company pay to relocate my horse? " "Does your health insurance cover pets? " "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time? " "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons? " "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay? " "Why am I here? " Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. Sometimes I feel like smashing things. Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. I think I'm going to throw-up"
Searching for job
Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant. "Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants. "Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor. "Employer: "More than we can use already. "Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor. "Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications. "Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk! "Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening. "
Something never change
I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn. She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week. "I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week. "
Annoy people at work
How to Annoy People at Work
1)Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2)Practice making fax and modem noises.
3)During meetings, disassemble your pen and "accidentally " flip the cartridge across the room.
4)Staple papers in the middle of the page.
5)ALWAYS TYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON
6)type only in lower case.
7)dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither
8)While making presentations,occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
9)In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage. "
10)Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles. "
Vice president
How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van? Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.
How careers ends
How careers end... Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists' models are deposed. Cooks are deranged. Dressmakers are unbiased. Nudists are redressed. Office clerks are defiled. Mediums are dispirited. Programmers are decoded. Accountants are discredited. Holy people are disgraced. Pastry chefs are deserted. Perfume makers are dissented. Butterfly collectors are debugged. Students are degraded. Electricians are refused. Bodybuilders are rebuffed. Underwear models are debriefed Painters are discolored. Spinsters are dismissed. Judges are disappointed. Vegas dealers are discarded. Mathematicians are discounted. Tree surgeons disembark.
How its happen
How Shit Happens In the Beginning was The Plan And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form And the Plan was completely without substance And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh. "And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof. "And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it. "And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength. "And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong. "And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,"It promotes growth and is very powerful. "And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular. "And the President looked upon The Plan,And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy. And this is how Shit Happens."
Salary
Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo. COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you+- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don't pay enough to expect tha't you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED:Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON:If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:I hope you don't ask me about all the Mc Jobs I've had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:I blame others for my mistakes. I'M PERSONABLE:I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:I carry a Day-Timer. I AM ADAPTABLE:I've changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO:I'm never at my desk.
Play the office game
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: ONE POINT:Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye. "To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINTS:Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it. " - Double points if you do this to a manager. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINTS:At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two ". After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon ". Keep this up for one hour. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up! "In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights ". Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade? "Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that? " "What? " "Never mind, it's gone now "Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it "Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call. Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now " and walk away."
God created heaven
God Meets Bureaucracy In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light. " Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day " and the darkness "Night. " Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed. "The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth. " Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before... At this point God created Hell."
Business
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Likes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.) My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say. " (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me. " (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists) We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division) We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above. " (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it! " (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards) As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach " used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts " (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical " circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)"
More than a 100%
Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here??s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%And,B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:A-S-S??K-I-S-S-I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will get you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
Electic paint
Getting anything done around here is like mating electric pants. It's done on a very high level. There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.
Tips for working hard
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard I Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Business school
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me. "
"Excuse me? " the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back. "
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay? "
"I'll start you at eighty thousand. "
"Eighty thousand dollars! " the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that? "
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. "
Workers
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square ", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule ". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure " was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do? ". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break " and said, "Show the fellows what you can do ". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave."
Boss want to much
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A. M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A. M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself. " And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour? "
Letter
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Employer to applicant
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible. " Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. "
Doing the job right
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security
Monday, October 3, 2011
Tough selling
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance sales man was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"he announced, standing up to leave... "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think. "
Does anyone know
Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today??We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...
Employer to applicant
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible. " Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. "
Doing a job
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security
Workers
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square ", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule ". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure " was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do? ". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break " and said, "Show the fellows what you can do ". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave."
Thirty year
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A. M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A. M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself. " And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour? "
Changed HR polices
Casual Fridays:
Week 1 - Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p. m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6 The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards. " A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear " and consult the "home casual " versus "business casual " checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a. m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day. Week 20 - Memo No. 8 Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately."
Downsizing
Boss: (to employee) Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Knock, knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
Application
Baxter Conners Vice President Company 203203 Wall St. New York, NY 10015Dear Mr. Conners,Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Sincerely,XXXXXXXX
Bosses and technologys
BOSSES & TECHNOLOGY Boss: "My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help? " Dilbert: "Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot. "Boss: "Oh, that's right. "Wally: "I wonder if he'll ever realize we gave him an "Etch-A-Sketch. "
Time to quit
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here? " he asked. "Sure! " the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door. "
As the end of the day
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here? " he asked. "Sure! " the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door. "
Duties will be same
As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah. The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment. "The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair? "
Work
Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e. g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.
Old local blacksmith
An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do. " One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard. " Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith."
An accountant
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night. " "Have you tried counting sheep? "
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it. "
Give 100% at work
Always give 100% at work...12% on Monday23% on Tuesday40% on Wednesday20% on Thursday5% on Fridays And remember... When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off. Now get back to work!
Selling war
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
A young man
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store. "
"But I'm a college graduate. " the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how. "
A welfare office
A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year. ". The young man said, "You're bullshitting me, man! " The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it! "
A good news
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.... Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today "Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear. "Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK? "Says She: "Well, the air bag works... "
A truck driver
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that? s right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
Dummer problem
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer. "A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor. "
A middle manager
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing. "He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them. "He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye. "Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay? "He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off. "And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest you jack off."
A man was interviewing for a sales
A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. "Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off. "
"No worries. " the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins. "So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi colored ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom. "Here we are. " said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once. "Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanizing all over his territory. "
"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married. "
"Then how do you account for all of these things? "
"Simple, Did you ever go into a chemist winking all the time and ask fora packet of aspirins? "
A man goes to his bank
A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it? "The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies "Buy a big one and wait "
A man comes home
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll? " Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey,my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient. " "Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch. "
New lumberjack
A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine. The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise? "
Latex factory
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop " noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple. "Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop " noise. "Wait a minute! " says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often? "
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom. "
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms! "
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business! "
Hospital
A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says,"Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone. "
Three envelope
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor. " The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize. " This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes. "
Pay your last bill
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. " The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long. "
A bus station
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where at rain stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
A manager
A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage. "
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing! "
Last day working
"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When.. "You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this? ", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn ". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick " day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday? ". You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party."
He is not feeling
"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you. "THIS MEANS:
1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transformed into an alter-ego (i. e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake.
10. He is feeling others.:)"
Life after death
"Do you believe in life after death? " the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir. " the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you"
