August 2011 ~ FrIeNdShIp MeSsAgE,LoVe SmS,FaMoUs QuOtEs,LoVe StAtUs........AnD..MoRe SmS CoLlEcTiOnC

Monday, August 22, 2011

An ant and elephant

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn ", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave! "

An eagle is circling

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says: "Tail gunner to pilot... Tail gunner to pilot.. "The eagle says "what do you want? "The mouse asks how high up they are. The eagle thinks for a moment and then says "ohh about 5,000 ft. "The mouse then replies "You wouldn't be shitting me now, would ya?? "

Purchase a new bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird " and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table! "Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf! "Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow! " said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will! " So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey! " she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird! "The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot! "

A young boy

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly,asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog! "
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him. "But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said sadly. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog! "
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him. "
"Oh? What was it then? "
"I think it was the spin cycle! "

Being a great mother-Mother's Day SMS

Being a great mother is a very hard role,
But mother you are the Star for this one I know,
I love you Mom.
Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mother's Day!

Home is where Mom is.
The miles have keep me away...
But the fragrance of Home fills my heart.
Happy Mother's Day!

Mother day SMS

Pyar karna koi tumse seekhe
Pyar karana koi tumse seekhe
Tum mamta ki murat hi nahi,
Sab ke dil ka ek tukda ho
Main kehti hun Maa,
Tum hamesha aisi hi rehna.

Mother day SMS

When you feel you are alone in the crowd,
When you think No.1 can understand you,
When your love is rejected by others,
& when you hate your Life,
Just close your eyes, & see, her face who loves you
more than any 1 else,
who care for you in loneliness,
& dies when you cry.
She is no 1, but your sweet loving mother.
Love your mom first and always

Mother day SMS

Mother dear

Once upon a memory
Someone wiped away a tear
Held me close and loved me,
Thank you, Mother dear.

Mother day SMS

|!|!|!|!MAA!|!|!|!|
Koi bataye is lafz ka matlab.
Pyar
Wafa
Muhabbat
Lagan
Qurani
Parwa
Sachai
Khuloos
Pakeezgi,
Sukoon
Khidmat
Mehnat
Dua
Dost
Hamadard
Rehnuma
Ustaad
BayGharz
Maasoomaiyat
Ibadat
Imaan
Diyanat
Jazba
Ye sab Meri MAA ki khubiyon ki ek jhalak hai, Warna meri MAA ki khobiyan to itni hain alfaaz khatam ho jaen, magar Maa ki tareef puri nahi ho sakti.

Mother day SMS

Who ran to help me when I fell,
And would some pretty story tell,
Or kiss the place to make it well?
My Mother.
(*) Happy Mother’s Day (*)

Happy Mother’s Day

For the best mom
who always had a smile for me
I know we may be far apart right now
So here’s a great big hug and kiss
Happy Mother’s Day

“Happy Mothers Day”

A mother’s work is never done
She works from morning until dawn
She spreads her love
And keeps you warm
But only once a year we say
Mother we wish you “Happy Mothers Day”

Mother day SMS

Mother, I love you,
For all that you do.
I’ll kiss you and hug you,
Because you love me, too.
You feed me and need me,
To teach you to play,
So smile because I love you,
On this Mother’s Day

DEDICATED TO ALL MOTHERS

Hogaye Jawan bachay
Borhi ho rahi hy Maa
.
Bay chiragh Aankho mai Khwab bo rhi hy Maa
.
Rooti apne Hisay ki de k apne bachon ko
.
Sabr ki Rida orhay Bhoki so rahi hy Maa
.
Sans ki Mariza hy phr b Thanday pani se
.
Kitni sakht Sardi may kapray dho rahi hy Maa
.
Gair ki shkayat pr phir kisi shrarat pr
.
Maar kr mujhay khud hi ro rhi hy Maa
.
Khelne se jo Mujhko rokti thi Mitti may
.
Orh kr usi Mitti ko aaj so rahi hy Maa
Respect ur Mothers
DEDICATED TO ALL MOTHERS

Mother day SMS

*MAA KYA HY*
.
SAMANDAR ne kha
MAA wo hsti hy jo Olad k tmam raaz apne sine me chupa leti hy
.
BADAL ne kha.
MAA wo hsti hy jo dhanak ki tarha khubsorti k tmaam rung mana leti hy.
.
DUA ne kha
MAA wo hsti hy jo Gunah gaar Olad ko b Dozakh se bcha leti hy
.
JANNAT ne kha.
MAA wo hasti hy k jo mujko B Qdmo k nichy daba deti hy,
.
RAB ne kha,
MAA meri traf se insan k liye Qimti or nayaab tohfa hy

Mother day SMS

Daastaan mere pyar ki bus...
.
ek hasti k gird ghoomti hai...
.
pyar jannat se is liye hai mujhe...
.
ye meri maa k qadam choomti hai...!

Mother day SMS

Mirza adeeb kehty hn:
"Aba G Muje Marty Thy To Ami Bcha Leti Thi
1 Din Me ne Socha K Agr Ami Ptai Kry gi To Aba Kia Kry ge
Ye Dekhne K Liye Mn ne Ami Ka Kaha Na Mana
Unho Ne Kaha Bzar Se Dahi La do,Me Na Laya
Unho Ne Salan Km Dia.Mn ne Ziada Pr Israr Kia
Unho Ne Kaha Perhi K Upr Beth Kr Roti Khao.Mn Zmen Pr Dri Bcha K Beth Gya. Kapry Mely Kr Lye.Mera Lehja B Gustakhana Tha.Muje Pori Tawaqa Thi K Ami Zrur Maren Gi, Mgr Unho Ne Mje Seeny Sy Lga Kr Kaha
"Q Dilawr Putr!Maa Sadqy Bemar To Nai"
Is Wqt Mere Ansu Thy K Rukty Hi Nai Thy"
Mirza adeeb ki kitab"MATTI KA DIYA"se.
So Take very much care of ur Mother.

Khamoshi me jo

Khamoshi me jo suno gi wo awaz MAA ki hogi
Zindagi bhar sath rahe wo wafa MAA ki hogi
.
Dunya ki har khushi ek din tmhari hogi
Q K in sb k peeche dua MAA ki hogi

Mother day SMS

aik mudat se merii maa nahi soye “tabish”
.
main ne ek baar kaha tha mujey durr lagta hai.

Mother day SMS

A mother understands what a child does not say.

Mother day SMS

The great priceless gift given by god to every Child
In this world there is someone,
Who always think of us.
Who never tries to hurt us
Who tries to sacrifice all their happiness,
Who tries to complete all our wishes?
.
.
of course they are our “Parents”

Meaning of Mother

MEANING OF M O T H E R:
--
M = M Y M O M
O = O B L I G E
T = T E R R I F I C
H = H O N E S T
E = E X C E L L E N T
R = R E S P O N S I B L E
--
I really really do love my mother,
more than I can explain ever!!.

Mother day SMS

Mother is the home we come from.
She is nature, soil, and ocean.
- Erich

Mother day SMS

We all have only One Mom,
One Mother in this World,
One Mommy, One life.
Don’t wait for another time to tell Mom
how much you love her.
I love you Mom, Happy Mother’s day !

A women was thinking about finding a pet

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff. "The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,and said, "New house, new madam. "The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's not so bad. A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores. "The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George! "

Women needs four dog

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

A amazing flying dog

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him. "With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop. "There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple! " The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket. "He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband. "Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today! " she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly! "The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot! "

A women and her friend

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt? "she asks. She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written! "

A veterinarian surgeon

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet? " asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is ", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency? "
"Well, sort of ", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it? " There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone "
"Really? " said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them? "
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME! "

A vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me. " He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see that tree over there? " "YES, YES, YES!! " the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Well I didn't! "

A vacationing

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stop sat the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal. " "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream. "

A talking house

A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over?5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn. "The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal. "Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer. "Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you?10,000 for the horse. "Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours. "While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse? "
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life. "

A various animal joke

A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet? " "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there. "

Various animal jokes

A skunk family had two little skunks they called In and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk, Father Skunk and young Out spent hours looking for him, getting more worried all the time. In the end the parents went home to have a cup of tea, but Out said he'd continue searching for a while. Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following behind him. 'However did you find him?' asked Father Skunk.'In-stinct,' replied Out.

A saleman is taking to a framer

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about? "The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other. "

A robber was robbing

A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you! " "who's there? " The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber asked. "Cocodora " said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora " said the robber. "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus ", said the parrot."

A preached is buy parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot. "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear? " asked the preacher. "Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him. "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm. "
"Wonderful! " says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings? "
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! " screeched the parrot."

A police officer

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk. " The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying? " asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this? "
"Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened? "The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking? " asked the officer. "Yes. "
"What else? "The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana? "
"Yes. "
"What else? "The monkey motioned "Screwing. "
"They were screwing, too? " asked the astounded officer. "Yes. " "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked. "
"Yes. "
"What were you doing during all this? "
"Driving " motioned the monkey."

Cows on the train track

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on? " she yells out the window. "Cow on the track! " replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again? "

These chicken wake up

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk Bu KKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit... "

Legion camel

A new lieutenant in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him is quarters, he asks the corporal, "The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship? "The corporal replies, "On Fridays, they let us use the camels. "The lieutenant can't believe it. On Friday, he stands around the camel pen to see what happens. Suddenly, he hears the camp bugler blow a charge on his horn. The ensuing chaos was amazing... men from all over the camp descended on the camel pens like huns attacking a village. Out of the swarm of men, the lieutenant sees the same corporal he met on his first day. He grabs the man by the arm. The corporal shouts, "Let me go! Let me go! "
"Good God man," said the lieutenant. "There are 200 men here and 500 camels. What's your hurry? "The corporal replied, "I don't want to get stuck with an ugly one! "

A mouse and a lion walk

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in. "Get a load of her " said the mouse, "what a babe! " "Well, why not try your luck? " replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right? " The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it! " "But how come you look like you're so exhausted? " asked the lion. "Well " said the mouse, "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles! "

Sound of the wild

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say? "Child: "Moo! "Mother: "Great! What does the cat say? "Child: "Meow. "Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say? " And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud. "

Animal cracker

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing? " his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the Boy explained, so "I'm looking for the seal! "

Moles

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country. One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage! " The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes! " The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles. Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses. "

A perfect customer

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night? "An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too. "

Good chess player

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes! " he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen. "
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five. "

Buy alligator shoe

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys " who are doing the same! ". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either! "."

There leg chicken

A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck. Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the chicken. The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken. The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken. As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm. The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens. After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. "Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own. " "That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste? "
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one. "

Pray

One of my best friends was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last year.

Trust god

My dad Joey Candie died 4 years ago, someone shot him and was planning on shooting 3 other fathers, but the police got him.

There was a dog fight

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside? "
"Yeah, I do! " a biker says, standing up. "What about it? "
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him... "
"What are you talkin' about?! " the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler? "
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat! "

Three leg chicken

Talking dog

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars. " The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal. "Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times. "
"Hey! " said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars? " "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies. "

A man tools his rottweller

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him. " So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down " "Just because he's cross-eyed? " says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet."

A man takes his sick dog

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog on to the the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh! "The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak ". The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU. The dog,s dead!!!"

A various animal jokes

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There " says the vet," Your hamster is dead ". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.
"It's definitely dead sir ", says the vet.
Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be L1000, please ". "A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead " fumes the man.
"Well ", says the vet,
"There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan "."

A man runing a little behind

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner,"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed! "
"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book. "

A man recent a camel

A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again. Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says "For Christ's sake, what do you want now? " The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises."

A man moved to a mountain

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in? " the man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone! " and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for? "

A man in a state

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bulls eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bulls eyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bulls eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic ", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls? "The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir! ", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware! "
"I don't want any bloody glasses ", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies! "

A man goes into a bar

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says 'What are you waitin' for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!"

There no dogs allowed

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here! " The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog. " "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me. " The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog. " The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here! "The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog. " The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs. " The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!? "

A amazing taking boy

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk. "Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead. "Man: "What covers a house? "Dog: "Roof! "Man: "How does sandpaper feel? "Dog: "Rough! "Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time? "Dog: "Ruth! "Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk. "The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle? "

A little turtle

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted. "

A little boy squirrel

A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground. "That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree. " "Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in love? "

Various animal jokes

A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi
Mr. Lion! " The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit? " The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion? " The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes "."

A plumber arrived

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber. She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it? "He replied, "It's the plumber. "He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it? " and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it? "He said, "It's the plumber! "He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it? "He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!! "Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it? "; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!! " he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway. The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body! " she exclaimed, "Who is it?! "The parrot said, "It's the plumber. "

Pray hard

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only knowhow to say one thing. " "What do they say? " the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? " "That's obscene! " the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed. " He thought a minute and then said, "You know,I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time. " "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution. " The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? "There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,Francis, our prayers have been answered! "

Various animal jokes

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

Horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says: "So, why the long face? "

A house and chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole! " So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up. " And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks."

Gruesome murder

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker brain the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter? "A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why? "
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,"I believe my dog just killed it, sir. "
"What? " roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have? "
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy. "
"Bull! " roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman? "
"It appears that he choked on it, sir. "

A guy walk into a pet store

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is$10,000. " the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do? " "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote. " "And the other? " said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000. " "Holy moly! What does that one do? " "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'. "

A guy walked into bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house? " "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but i'll need to see more. " "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River. " A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "That's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog. " "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune. " "Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist. "

Persistency act

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about? "

Various animal jokes

A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks,
"What would you like? " the fish says holding his neck,
"Water "."

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire. " The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me! " The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike. " The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you. " The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over! " So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. " The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start. " They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go! " and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week! "

A farmer comes home

A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,"Why are you doing that? "The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows! "

A family

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when
Father Tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella? "
So off went junior for
Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned.
"I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts. "
And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go. "

Got any grapes

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes? " The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes? " Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''"

A duck walks into a general

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got any fresh fruit? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh vegetables? "
"No. We have only canned and dry goods. "The next day, the duck returns. "Got any fresh fruit? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh vegetables? "
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor. "On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh fruit? "

Where elephants paint

A double whammy:Why do elephants paint their testicles red? So they can hide in cherry trees. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A Monkey eating cherries.

A dog walks into a butcher shop

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,and the butcher said, "How many pounds? " The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,"Anything else? " The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many? " The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's are ally smart dog you have there. "
"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his key. "

Difference between bog and cat

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Horse race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?'' The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

Installing carpet

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

This is one smart dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then? " he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog. " As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know? "Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket. The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog. "Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher. "He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."

A burglar has just made it

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot! "To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler! "

Various animal jokes

A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him "Are you a bear? "
"Yes "
"What are you doing at the movies? "
"Well, I liked the book! "

A boy and girl

A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked down the street arm in arm in arm in arm...

A blind man seeing with a seeing eye dog

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something. "The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around. "

Seeing eye dog

A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg! "
"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt. "

A blind man walks into a drugs

A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog. He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & around his head. The druggist says "May I help you? " The blind man replies "No thank you, I'm just looking around. "

A blind man is standing

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants? " "Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit ", replies the blind man. "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit! " To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass! "

A bear is chasing a rabbit

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says "I will grant each of you three wishes. "The bear says "I wish all the bears in the forest were females. " *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle. " *poof* It's done. The bear says "I wish all the bears in this country were females. " *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house. " *poof* It's done. The bear is thinking to himself "why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well. " "And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female. " *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay. " And he rides off on his motorcycle."

A second opinion

A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too. "The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too. "The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. ""$650 to tell me my dog is dead? " exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests. "

A new york boy

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight? "The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight. "

A duck walks into a bar

A Duck walks into a bar. Duck: You got any bread? Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread[After a few minutes]Duck: You got any bread? Barman: Look, we don't have any bread[In a little while]Duck: You got any bread? Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread![Some time later]Duck: Got any bread? Barman: If you ask me if I've got any F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar...... Duck: You got any nails? Barman: NO! Duck: You got any bread?

Your cat had learned your internet

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy. " 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt. recreational. catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about their release of "Cyber Dog. " 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like Catin Tax and War Cat II. 2. On IRC you're known as the Iron Mouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password... 1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post."

Top 15household set dishes

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper. "The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick. "This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size. "

Almost no difference

I thick rover is getting a bit old

"I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf. ""Bullshit, watch this... Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get the shovel and clean it up! "

Appo yenaku 6 vayasu,
Na 1st std la paduchen,
En friend enna paathu,
4 Beer iruku.. idha yeppadi 5 peruku koduppenu kettan.
Na sonnen...,
"Enaku vendam machi,
na quarter vangikiren.
avanga 4 perukum koduthiruda..!"
MORAL-
Appo irundhey
Yenaku FRNDS thaan mukkiyam.BEER illa...
Good morning....

Kids cute Love:

Even though i Got Beaten By My Mom & Teacher 4 Breaking Pencil Tip
Still i do
Bcoz My Girl Smiles When Giving Me d Sharpner

Though a boy is physically stronger dan a girl but throughout his life he waits fr that one girl infront of whom he willingly kneels down..

Warning!
56 girls died in a single day because of using whisper,stayfree etc.Single pads for the whole day that causes cancer in blader, thats uterus cancer. It causes due to chemicals used on pad. so try to change ur pad for 5 hrs, atleast. Dont feel shy to forward. Send to al girls in ur contact.

Life

*Entry of new persons may change ur lifestyle
&
make u happy..

but,
those persons
will never replace
the missed ones.!*
Be happy my Dear...

Dear Gals
If A Guy Pauses Hs PLAY STATION Jst 2Txt u Bak
Marry Him

Dear Boys
If A Gal Ruins Hr Wet NAIL POLISH Jst 2Txt u Bak
Marry Her :D

Friend

Best Definition of Friendship..!
Uyirai sumakamal Unarvai sumakum karuvaraiku peyar than
"Friendship" .
Don't miss your loveable friends..

Excellent Definition For Life:

"Life means,
Missing expected things and facing unexpected things".

So, Live it without any tension.

Do u know wat hurts d most?
Its wen som1 made u feel special yesterday but made u feel that u are d most unwanted person 2day...

Today's Joke :
A boy said
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Trust me.

Evry sister suportz his brother 4 his love cos sisterz knw 'wat love is?'n evry brother dosn't suportz his sister 2 love cos he knows 'who boys are?'..

>--Hai---->>

>--Friend--->>

      "HAPPY"
     "01.08.2011
"FRIENDSHIP"
    "Day"
"my best whishes"
   "for you"
good morning friends have a nice day for u

Friend

F"l"o"w"e"r"f"u"l
Morning
C"o"l"o"u"r"f"u"l
Noon
J"o"y"f"u"l
Evening
P"e"a"c"e"f"u"l
Night.
Be Happy Its A
F"a"n"t"a"s"t"i"c Day 4U.
"G"o"o"d" "M"o"r"n"i"n"g".
Happy friendship day...!

My dear friend

Today s frndship day.
Before i wish you happy frndship day, i just wanted to say:

Thankyou- for everytime you helped me and stood there for me.

Sorry- for whenever i hurt you or let you down, i am sure i didnt mean to do it.

Remember- no matter where you are or in what condition, i ll always be there for you.

This msg is for all of those beautiful ppl who made my life worth living, i hope you stay in my life forever..... *frdship day* wishes$:-) my dear frnd:-):-):-)

Friendship day sms

Being a friend is not just sharing a joke, a conversation, a cup of coffee or a funny story. It means sharing an honest and true part of yourself.HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY

Can u guess what d "sincere students" do while mam's lecture?
;)dreaming nd acting as listening.
;)asking near ones'thookam varutha'.
;)counting d 'repeating words' used by mam.
;)seeing d entrance nd expecting someone to interrupt d class.
;)criticizing d student who is asking doubts.
;)Waiting for d bell by seeing d time often.
:-pSighting d beloved ones.
B-)Finally saying "yes" to mam while asking "do you understand?"
(Pls dedicate this msg to all"sincere students".) I just did it.....B-):-D:-):-*. Gudnit:):):)

Sweet friend

In life...
v hve mny relatns..Bt d bst 1 is Frndshp..
Bcz.. Mom says:Tell me..wats ur prblm,im like ur frnd da!
Dad says:Don feel scared,treat me as ur frnd. Bro/sis says:Cme on na dnt hide anythng frm me. Im like ur frnd na..
Lvr says:cme on swthrt.. Treat me as ur frnd.. Oly frnd says:sollu machi.Ipo nan ena pananum? Frnd's r alwys frnds.! No1 can evr take their place.Dedicated 2 my swt friends!

In evry frndshp misundrstndng does exists
bt it doesnt mean tht trust ends!
Its simply shows a way 2 get 1 step closer 2 ur closd ones. :)

.+""+""+. .+""+""+.
'. wish .' '. you   .'
"+. .+" a "+. .+"
"    Happy   "
%"¤"¤"¤"¤"¤"¤"%
% FRIEND SHIP %
   %     DAY.    %    :-)My first wishses for My best frienku

Friend

.*"*._.*"*.
*. Hai   .*
     "*._.*"
.*"*._.*"*.
*.Friend.*
     "*._.*"
.*"*._.*"*.
*. Gud .*
     "*._.*"
.*"*._.*"*.
*. mrng   *
     "*._.*"

Love is blind

Love is blind because....

"My mom started to love me before seeing my face"

Lovable life

Its LOVE wen a Little Baby girl puts all her Energy 2 give her Daddy a Head Massage 2 Relief his eadache..

Its LOVE wen a boy kiss his girlfnd widout takng permison but she smil and says noughty boy..

Its LOVE wen a Wife makes Tea 4 her Husband & tak a Sip b4 him 2 See if the Tea is ok..

Its LOVE wn a Mother gives her Son d best piece of Chicken n he pass it 2 his Younger Sister..

Its LOVE wen a Frnd holds Ur hand Tightly on a slippery Road after Rain 4 ur protection..

LOVE is Actually just another Name for CARE :-)

feel it...

Have a Lovable life:) :-)

Jokes sms

Top answrs of teachers if dey dont knw d answrs:
1. I think d questn is wrong.
2. I'l tel u 2morw.
3. I'l refer n let u kno
4. Dont ask foolish qustns.
5. U'l study dis in d nxt class.
& d most famous 1 is:
6. Nice questn,who knows d answr, raise ur hands?
(If no one raises)Then it is an assignment!. ;-)@

Love

If u r MARRIED
Or
If u have a LOVER plz delete the message...
Others go down...

ADVANCE
HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY. ;-)

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Friday, August 19, 2011

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

Sunday, August 14, 2011

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