"Getting Kicked in the nuts hurts alot more than delivering a baby" - Unknown --- Sent from Everyday Quotes (Android ap...
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Experience
"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest." - Confucius...
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Hear my soul speaks
"Hear my soul speak: The very instant that I saw you, did My heart fly to your service." - William Shakespea...
Not everything
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." - Albert Einste...
Significant problem
"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." - Albert Einste...
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
“HaPpY BirThDaY 2 U MY Dear FRIEND
“happy birth da 2 U”May ALLAH give u lotsof such joys &happy moments.May U live long &live happy. May worries,thoughts,angers &bad lucks remainaway 4m u.I wish u good luck.A nice & lovely life 2come. Bright &joyful future & allthe goods that Ucan ever Wish or think off.I wish, may ur dreams come true& all sadthoughts off.AME...
live your life
You were crying when u were bornwhile evrybody was laughing thereAs u live 2 blow a thousand candles,live ur life humbly so thatu would b the one laughing when u dieand everybody else would be crying.Happy Birth...
belated happy b’day
my plane was crashed but i m ok,my car was stolen yesterday,i missed the bus,&my mobile’s battry was also verylow,thats y i can’t get u yesterday,plz 4giv me & HAPPY BLATED B’DAY 2...
Observe your birthday now
As we observe your birthday now,Your cake and gifts don’t matter much.These common things aren’t really you,Ribbons, paper hats and such.We celebrate a person whoBrings happiness to everyone,Someone who gives more than she gets,And fills our lives with joy and fun.So Happy Birthday, and many more!We hope you make it to a hundred and two,Because we cannot even dreamWhat life would be like without y...
Fly in the plane of ambition
“Fly in the plane of ambition,and land on the airport of success,Luck is yours,wish is minemay ur futurealways shine. . .With LOTZ LOVE“Happy BIRTHDAY 2 YO...
Today is your day
Cos today is your day,its an opportunity for u to know thatu are special and special things are for u today,i wish u all the best.Happy birth day. Love...
On this special day,
On this special day,best wishes go to you,that this wonderful love u share,lasts ur lifetime through.Happy anniversary to you my L...
Why do couples hold hands
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?.?.?.?….It is just a formality,like two boxers shaking hands b4 the fight beg...
If I Met You On Tomorrow
If I Met You On Tomorrow I Would Still GiveYou My Heart If You Should Say,“Do You Still Love Me?” I”D Say,“Till Death Do Us Part”Happy Annivers...
Hoping that the love u shared years ago
Hoping that the love u shared years agoIs still as strong today as it wasthen Bringing u much joy , loveand happiness To celebrate again.Happy Annivers...
How true my feelings were
How true my feelings wereI found out to be The best thingin my life Was when you married meThank you my loving wife(loving Husband),For the years we share I know onething for sure We make a wonderful p...
Nothing in this world Could ever be
Nothing in this world Could ever beAs wonderful as the love You’ve given meYour love makes my days so very bright,just knowing you’re my darling wife(Husband).Happy Wedding Annivers...
I LOVE U are words just three
I LOVE U are words just three,which mean so much on our ANNIVERSARY.so this is what i want to say,live in my heart n there 4 ever st...
Marriage is that relation between
Marriage is that relation betweenman and women in whichthe Independence is Equal,the Dependence mutual andthe Obligation Reciprocal”.Best wishes for Happy Wedding Anniversa...
Long after our anniversary
Long after our anniversaryAndthis greeting has been thrown awayThink of the thought behind it,Each and everyday,Happy Annivers...
Two Guys Are Chatting..
wo Guys Are Chatting..Guy A: “I’m Going To Bring My Wife To Australia For Our 20th Anniversary.”Guy B: “Oh.. That’s Cool. What About Ur 25th Anniversary?”Guy A: “I Will Go Back To Australia To Bring Her Bac...
Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversaryand Mayyour marriage be Blessed with love,joy And companionshipFor all the years of your liv...
That special day is here again
That special day is here againThe day we took our vowsYou’re just as special to me todayAs you still get me aroused.Happy Anniversary Lo...
I’m sending this bouquet of love
I’m sending this bouquet of loveTo say that I love you so muchI hope I say it often enoughI want you to know it’s true,On this special occasionI want to remind youThat you are my everythingAndmy love is true,Happy Anniversary Lov...
Best wishes to you both on your anniversary
Best wishes to you both on your anniversary,May the love that u share Last your lifetime through,As u make a wonderful pair.Happy Wedding Annivers...
A happy new year
A happy New Year! Grant that IMay bring no tear to any eyeWhen this New Year in time shall endLet it be said I’ve played the friend,Have lived and loved and labored here,And made of it a happy ye...
Happy New Year
Wishing You Happy New Year,May You always keep in ur Heart theSpecial Beauty and Cheer ofHappy New Y...
happy new year
For last year’s words belong to last year’s languageAnd next year’s words await another voice.And to make an end is to make a beginning.Happy New Y...
Happy Christmas
May the joy and peace of Christmas be with you all through the Year. Wishing you a season of blessings from heaven above. Happy Christ...
Merry Christmas
May your world be filled with warmth and good cheer this Holy season, and throughout the year. Wish your Christmas be filled with peace and love. Merry Christ...
Merry Christmas
May this Christmas end the present year on a cheerful note and make way for a fresh and bright new year. Here’s wishing you a Merry Christm...
Happy Eid MUbarak
EiD is LoVe..,EiD is Beauty..,EiD is Dedication..,EiD is Happines..,My EiD wishes to U &Ur family!“EID MUBAR...
EID MUBARAK
!(*/\[;] ! (*[;] ,-”"”-,[;]..”"”"”"..[;];;;;;{};;;;[] aslmkm aap sab ko “EID MUBARAK”EID is a Combination of 3 meaningful wordsE:Embrace with open HeartI:Inspire with impressive attitudeD:Distribute pleasure to all. khushi ka tarana ek saaz de raha Hwo Eid ka chand awaz de raha Hmubarak ho apko EID ki khushiyaYe Dil apko mubarakbad de raha H..(~...
Happy Eid MUbarak
/\ ~ * * *||| _.-^-._ * *||| ((((()))))“;”;”;”;”;”;”;”;”;”;”EID ka nurSirf apke lyeWish u hppy EID,;,...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Funny Quotes
What is Red andgoes Tring Tring.?GuessTOMATOthe Tring Tring wasto confuse you...OK againWhat is Red and goesTring Tring.?guessBlack Phonethe Red was to confuse you...OK againwhat is Red and goesTring Tring.?guessCAKEboth Red and Tring Tring was to confuse you...OK againwhat is Red and goesTring Tring.?guessFIRE ENGINEand you thought I was confusing you..And that’s how theyask in the exams.!Be read...
College
3 Students Didn’tprepare for a Test.They made a plan.They went to theDEAN next morningand said “Sir we hadgone for a weddingand our car Tyre Bursted. So we had to pushall the way, so wecouldn’t study.”The DEAN agreesand gives them3 Days Time.After 3 days all threewere seated inDifferent Rooms.The paper consistedof Just 1 Question….....WHICH TYRE BURSTED..?a. Front Rightb. Front Leftc. Back Rightd. Back Left.?...
After that
After deliberating a while, this was the draft of their appropriate response:Dear Son:NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing Noble.Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left.Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time.Have to go NOw.Mom & DadTalking clockWhile proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.“That is the talking clock”, the man...
funny
A letter by a college studentThe parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter:Dear Mom and Dad:Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t!But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don’t want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home.LoveYour ...
Lecturer Greater as compared to a Mother.?
WHY is a LecturerGreater as comparedto a Mother.?Bcause a mother canput only 1 child to sleep, but…A lecturer cAn put theWhole clAss to sleep...
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Difference
"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?" - Mahatma Gand...
Friday, October 28, 2011
Unforgivable
"Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run." - Rudyard Kipli...
University
"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small." - Henry Kissing...
Saturday, October 22, 2011
All are lunatics
"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bier...
Monday, October 17, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
The movement
"The moment the slave resolves that he will no longer be a slave, his fetters fall. He frees himself and shows the way to others. Freedom and slavery are mental states." - Mahatma Gand...
Nice message
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angel...
Good people
"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." - Plato...
Famous message
"There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm not there yet." - Randy Paus...
Good message
"I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon." - Bill Hir...
Less experience
"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man." - Professor Scott Elled...
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
We make a living
"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." - Winston Churchi...
The nice thing
"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault." - Henry Kissing...
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Famous message
"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing." - William Shakespea...
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The more you go away from me
The more you go away from me, the closer I come towards you.
I may not speak a word but my heart will always tell that you are my dearest one foreve...
You came into my life
You came into my life...
And made it a wonderful world to live in.
You made me feel so special with all that you do and all that you say...
I love You....
Love is like sunshine
Love is like sunshine. It brings a golden glow to its beholder's face. And a warm feeling all over their body. It awakens souls and opens eyes. And when its over, it leaves billions of small memories called stars. To remind the world, that it still exists. I love yo...
Away from me
The more you go away from me, the closer I come towards you.
I may not speak a word but my heart will always tell that you are my dearest one foreve...
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
More thing
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." - William Shakespea...
Happy life
"Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching. and live like it's heaven on earth." - Mark Twa...
Human history
"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." - H. G. Wel...
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Love if not finding someone
Love if not finding someone perfect, it's finding an important person, and loving perfectl...
Last night
Last night I sent an angel 2 watch over u while u were sleeping
but it came back early! So I asked it why? It said that angels don't
watch over other angels!
...
Loving you
Rains fall, winds blow, the sun shines... it all comes
naturally, just like loving you.
...
And if it all falls apart
And if it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart, the only dream that mattered had come true. In this life, I was loved by yo...
Love never
Love never wants to lose faith, never wants to give up, and never truly moves on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what’s left of your heart that they feel the sam...
Having you in my life
Having you in my life is a beautiful feeling... You make me feel so special with all that you say and all that you do... And today, All I want to say is...You are the one I love and no matter what I will always forever keep loving yo...
Good morning
A smile to start a day,
A prayer to bless your way,
A song to lighten a moment,
A cheer to say have a wonderful day!
''Good Morning....
Office an hour late
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones? " he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change. "Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one...
Interviewing
Job Interview Quotations Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer....
Searching for job
Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant. "Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants. "Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor. "Employer: "More than we can use already. "Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor. "Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications. "Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk! "Employer: "Well,...
Something never change
I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn. She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week. "I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week....
Annoy people at work
How to Annoy People at Work
1)Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2)Practice making fax and modem noises.
3)During meetings, disassemble your pen and "accidentally " flip the cartridge across the room.
4)Staple papers in the middle of the page.
5)ALWAYS TYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON
6)type only in lower case.
7)dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither
8)While making presentations,occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
9)In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage. "
10)Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble...
Vice president
How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van? Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his as...
How careers ends
How careers end... Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists' models are deposed. Cooks are deranged. Dressmakers are unbiased. Nudists are redressed. Office clerks are defiled. Mediums are dispirited. Programmers are decoded. Accountants are discredited. Holy people are disgraced. Pastry chefs are deserted. Perfume makers are dissented. Butterfly collectors are debugged. Students are degraded. Electricians...
How its happen
How Shit Happens In the Beginning was The Plan And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form And the Plan was completely without substance And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh. "And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof. "And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it. "And the Managers went unto their...
Salary
Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo. COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you+- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don't pay enough to expect tha't you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED:Female...
Play the office game
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: ONE POINT:Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye. "To signal the end of a conversation,...
God created heaven
God Meets Bureaucracy In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light. " Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God...
Business
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Likes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used...
More than a 100%
Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here??s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11...
Electic paint
Getting anything done around here is like mating electric pants. It's done on a very high level. There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any result...
Tips for working hard
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard I Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you d...
Business school
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me. "
"Excuse me? " the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back. "
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay? "
"I'll start you at eighty thousand....
Workers
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square ", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule ". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure " was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven...
Boss want to much
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A. M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A. M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway....
Letter
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly...
Employer to applicant
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible. " Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible....
Doing the job right
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job securi...
Monday, October 3, 2011
Tough selling
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance sales man was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"he announced, standing up to leave... "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think....
Does anyone know
Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today??We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death....
Employer to applicant
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible. " Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible....
Doing a job
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job securi...
Workers
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square ", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule ". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure " was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven...
Thirty year
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A. M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A. M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway....
Changed HR polices
Casual Fridays:
Week 1 - Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p. m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will...
Downsizing
Boss: (to employee) Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Knock, knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymor...
Application
Baxter Conners Vice President Company 203203 Wall St. New York, NY 10015Dear Mr. Conners,Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does...
Bosses and technologys
BOSSES & TECHNOLOGY Boss: "My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help? " Dilbert: "Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot. "Boss: "Oh, that's right. "Wally: "I wonder if he'll ever realize we gave him an "Etch-A-Sketch....
Time to quit
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here? " he asked. "Sure! " the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door....
As the end of the day
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here? " he asked. "Sure! " the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door....
Duties will be same
As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah. The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment. "The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?...
Work
Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e. g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holiday...
Old local blacksmith
An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do. " One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard. " Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith...
An accountant
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night. " "Have you tried counting sheep? "
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it....
Give 100% at work
Always give 100% at work...12% on Monday23% on Tuesday40% on Wednesday20% on Thursday5% on Fridays And remember... When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off. Now get back to wor...
Selling war
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If...
A young man
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store. "
"But I'm a college graduate. " the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how....
A welfare office
A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000...
A good news
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.... Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today "Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear. "Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK? "Says She: "Well, the air bag works......
A truck driver
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?...
Dummer problem
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer. "A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor....
A middle manager
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing. "He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them. "He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in...
A man was interviewing for a sales
A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. "Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off. "
"No worries. " the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins. "So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi colored ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties...
A man goes to his bank
A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it? "The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies "Buy a big one and wait...
A man comes home
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll? " Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey,my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient. " "Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch....
New lumberjack
A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine. The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?...
Latex factory
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop " noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple. "Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop " noise. "Wait a minute! " says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every...
Hospital
A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says,"Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone....
Three envelope
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor. " The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid...
Pay your last bill
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. " The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long....
A bus station
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where at rain stops. On my desk, I have a work station....
A manager
A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage. "
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!...
Last day working
"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When.. "You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this? ", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn ". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation,...
He is not feeling
"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you. "THIS MEANS:
1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transformed into an alter-ego (i. e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake.
10. He is feeling others.:...
Life after death
"Do you believe in life after death? " the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir. " the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see yo...
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Answer me this joke
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all nigh...
Friday, September 9, 2011
Answer me this joke
Don't you just hate the blatant materialism surrounding Christmas? And aren't you just dying to know what you go...
Answer me this joke
Consider one of the most perplexing questions of our time: Where do' solutions go when a candidate gets electe...
Monday, August 22, 2011
An ant and elephant
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn ", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!...
An eagle is circling
An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says: "Tail gunner to pilot... Tail gunner to pilot.. "The eagle says "what do you want? "The mouse asks how high up they are. The eagle thinks for a moment and then says "ohh about 5,000 ft. "The mouse then replies "You wouldn't be shitting me now, would ya??...
Purchase a new bird
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird,...
A young boy
A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly,asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog! "
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him. "But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week...
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Being a great mother-Mother's Day SMS
Being a great mother is a very hard role,
But mother you are the Star for this one I know,
I love you Mom.
Happy Mothers D...
Happy Mother's Day!
Home is where Mom is.
The miles have keep me away...
But the fragrance of Home fills my heart.
Happy Mother's Day!...
Mother day SMS
Pyar karna koi tumse seekhe
Pyar karana koi tumse seekhe
Tum mamta ki murat hi nahi,
Sab ke dil ka ek tukda ho
Main kehti hun Maa,
Tum hamesha aisi hi rehna....
Mother day SMS
When you feel you are alone in the crowd,
When you think No.1 can understand you,
When your love is rejected by others,
& when you hate your Life,
Just close your eyes, & see, her face who loves you
more than any 1 else,
who care for you in loneliness,
& dies when you cry.
She is no 1, but your sweet loving mother.
Love your mom first and always...
Mother day SMS
When you feel you are alone in the crowd,
When you think No.1 can understand you,
When your love is rejected by others,
& when you hate your Life,
Just close your eyes, & see, her face who loves you
more than any 1 else,
who care for you in loneliness,
& dies when you cry.
She is no 1, but your sweet loving mother.
Love your mom first and always...
Mother dear
Once upon a memory
Someone wiped away a tear
Held me close and loved me,
Thank you, Mother de...
Mother day SMS
|!|!|!|!MAA!|!|!|!|
Koi bataye is lafz ka matlab.
Pyar
Wafa
Muhabbat
Lagan
Qurani
Parwa
Sachai
Khuloos
Pakeezgi,
Sukoon
Khidmat
Mehnat
Dua
Dost
Hamadard
Rehnuma
Ustaad
BayGharz
Maasoomaiyat
Ibadat
Imaan
Diyanat
Jazba
Ye sab Meri MAA ki khubiyon ki ek jhalak hai, Warna meri MAA ki khobiyan to itni hain alfaaz khatam ho jaen, magar Maa ki tareef puri nahi ho sakti....
Mother day SMS
Who ran to help me when I fell,
And would some pretty story tell,
Or kiss the place to make it well?
My Mother.
(*) Happy Mother’s Day (*)...
Happy Mother’s Day
For the best mom
who always had a smile for me
I know we may be far apart right now
So here’s a great big hug and kiss
Happy Mother’s Day...
“Happy Mothers Day”
A mother’s work is never done
She works from morning until dawn
She spreads her love
And keeps you warm
But only once a year we say
Mother we wish you “Happy Mothers Day”...
Mother day SMS
Mother, I love you,
For all that you do.
I’ll kiss you and hug you,
Because you love me, too.
You feed me and need me,
To teach you to play,
So smile because I love you,
On this Mother’s ...
DEDICATED TO ALL MOTHERS
Hogaye Jawan bachay
Borhi ho rahi hy Maa
.
Bay chiragh Aankho mai Khwab bo rhi hy Maa
.
Rooti apne Hisay ki de k apne bachon ko
.
Sabr ki Rida orhay Bhoki so rahi hy Maa
.
Sans ki Mariza hy phr b Thanday pani se
.
Kitni sakht Sardi may kapray dho rahi hy Maa
.
Gair ki shkayat pr phir kisi shrarat pr
.
Maar kr mujhay khud hi ro rhi hy Maa
.
Khelne se jo Mujhko rokti thi Mitti may
.
Orh kr usi Mitti ko aaj so rahi hy Maa
Respect ur Mothers
DEDICATED TO ALL MOTH...
Mother day SMS
*MAA KYA HY*
.
SAMANDAR ne kha
MAA wo hsti hy jo Olad k tmam raaz apne sine me chupa leti hy
.
BADAL ne kha.
MAA wo hsti hy jo dhanak ki tarha khubsorti k tmaam rung mana leti hy.
.
DUA ne kha
MAA wo hsti hy jo Gunah gaar Olad ko b Dozakh se bcha leti hy
.
JANNAT ne kha.
MAA wo hasti hy k jo mujko B Qdmo k nichy daba deti hy,
.
RAB ne kha,
MAA meri traf se insan k liye Qimti or nayaab tohfa hy...
Mother day SMS
Daastaan mere pyar ki bus...
.
ek hasti k gird ghoomti hai...
.
pyar jannat se is liye hai mujhe...
.
ye meri maa k qadam choomti hai...!...
Mother day SMS
Mirza adeeb kehty hn:
"Aba G Muje Marty Thy To Ami Bcha Leti Thi
1 Din Me ne Socha K Agr Ami Ptai Kry gi To Aba Kia Kry ge
Ye Dekhne K Liye Mn ne Ami Ka Kaha Na Mana
Unho Ne Kaha Bzar Se Dahi La do,Me Na Laya
Unho Ne Salan Km Dia.Mn ne Ziada Pr Israr Kia
Unho Ne Kaha Perhi K Upr Beth Kr Roti Khao.Mn Zmen Pr Dri Bcha K Beth Gya. Kapry Mely Kr Lye.Mera Lehja B Gustakhana Tha.Muje Pori Tawaqa Thi K Ami Zrur Maren Gi, Mgr Unho Ne Mje Seeny Sy Lga Kr Kaha
"Q Dilawr Putr!Maa Sadqy Bemar To Nai"
Is Wqt Mere Ansu Thy K Rukty Hi Nai Thy"
Mirza adeeb ki kitab"MATTI KA DIYA"se.
So Take very much care of...
Khamoshi me jo
Khamoshi me jo suno gi wo awaz MAA ki hogi
Zindagi bhar sath rahe wo wafa MAA ki hogi
.
Dunya ki har khushi ek din tmhari hogi
Q K in sb k peeche dua MAA ki hogi...
Mother day SMS
aik mudat se merii maa nahi soye “tabish”
.
main ne ek baar kaha tha mujey durr lagta hai....
Mother day SMS
The great priceless gift given by god to every Child
In this world there is someone,
Who always think of us.
Who never tries to hurt us
Who tries to sacrifice all their happiness,
Who tries to complete all our wishes?
.
.
of course they are our “Parents”...
Meaning of Mother
MEANING OF M O T H E R:
--
M = M Y M O M
O = O B L I G E
T = T E R R I F I C
H = H O N E S T
E = E X C E L L E N T
R = R E S P O N S I B L E
--
I really really do love my mother,
more than I can explain ever...
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Mother day SMS
We all have only One Mom,
One Mother in this World,
One Mommy, One life.
Don’t wait for another time to tell Mom
how much you love her.
I love you Mom, Happy Mother’s day...
A women was thinking about finding a pet
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar...
Women needs four dog
A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it al...
